I Love Me Some Me!


I went through a rough path in my life where I didn’t love myself. The love I was seeking was nonexistent because I didn’t love myself first and foremost. It all started when I was in high school. I had very low self-esteem but I hid it very well. I will encourage my friends and showed them all the attention to deflect what I lacked for myself. I didn’t see this as an issue until I fell in love for the first time or so I thought.

My high school boyfriend became the love of my life, my first heart ache, first time every having a child with, and dealing with death all at once. Allow me to explain. I fell in love with him at first sight! I saw him from across the room and felt an emotion I never ever felt before so I believed it was love! He loved me ever so much. This I knew for a fact because we were inseparable. He was two grades ahead of me but after he graduated, he made it his duty to pick me up from school and take me home. Our dates was amazing and he never let me miss curfew ever! There was one problem: he was an addict! I never saw any signs or symptoms of this fact until I got pregnant.

When we found out we were expecting we were happy and excited! He even proposed to me! Our family was a bit shocked or upset but he had a great job and I was an honor student on the National Honors Society. To fast forward to my third trimester, we got into a huge fight. He was drunk and I was living with him at the time and threatened to leave him and move back home. He threatened me back by saying he will harm himself if I left. I was pretty much use to him stating that because he always did when we fought. However this time it was different. He told me the manner he was going to do it. He proceeded to pull out drug paraphernalia and for the first time I felt portrayed and hurt.

I was so angry that I tried to take them away from him when he hit me. When he hit me, I lost all level headedness and started fighting him. Yes I was pregnant and my due date was rapidly approaching but I was in danger and so was my unborn child. I had to fight to stay alive for the both of us. Fast forward again, I pressed charges and during his third week of incarceration, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. At this moment every wall I build up came crashing down because I had a precious life to love and that will always love me so I had to get it together and start changing me!

For the first year of my son’s life, I developed a new-found love for myself. I got to know me on a level that showed how courageous I was and how strong I was for going through everything I went through and lived to fight another day! I am a survivor and victorious! My ex at this time was looking at parole soon and with my new-found love myself, I learned to forgive. I forgave him but I was still mad at him. When he came out, he decided to leave the state to get his life together to be a better father to our son. Everything was going good until a month after our son’s 2nd birthday.

When our son turned two, he was around and we celebrated his 2nd birthday together as a family. (Note: while he was away in another state, he had a good job and was paying child support for our son and was an active father from a distance.) I received a call from my son’s father mom that he (my ex) was dead! She had to ID his body at the county morgue. All the love I had built up crumbled like rubble. I lost so much love for myself and for others because the only person that I ever loved and shared a child with is gone forever. I fell into such a deep depression that it took me years to get over and love again.

As you can see, I was in and out of love with myself. For years after his death, I felt like my love died with him but then looking into our son’s eyes, I knew I could not lose the love I have for myself because if I did, I would be losing my son. That was something I would never do! Somehow, someway I pulled myself together and began saying positive affirmations to myself and it has been working! Fast forward again for the very last time, I promise, it has been almost 12 years later since he died and I am still madly in love with myself more than I ever been before. I also have loved again, got engaged, and have another child, a daughter who constantly reminds me of my strengths for overcoming my obstacles throughout my life! If I can survive teen pregnancy, physical abuse, and the death of someone I love, then I can survive anything and still love me!


Never Give Up! Keep on Pushing…

Have you ever felt like giving up on a goal or dream? Have you ever felt defeated or that you couldn’t move forward in life because you haven’t accomplished your goal or dream? Well I have felt this way one time or another in my life and I am here to say that I overcame this fear or ordeal and so can you! There are five little rules that I follow every single day to overcome my shortcomings.

The first rule to remember is that there is no clear path in life for you to follow. Life always will have bumps in the roads and even road blocks. You must seek other routes and be prepared for detours. I have personally experienced this and here is how I overcame it: don’t give up and ask for help when needed! I am very private and very rarely will disclose to anyone especially family that I need help. If I am struggling, I will just continue to struggle and break down silently when no one is around. This is a HUGE mistake! When I did this, I became so depressed that I wanted to end everything and just run away. I just couldn’t deal until the little voice inside me said, “ask for help.” Those simple three words saved my life and helped me deal with my depression.

The second rule is it is okay when you ask for help and someone says, “NO.” This word is enough to drive you crazy especially when you are in need of help and someone just flat-out say “NO.” This was a crucial reason why I refused to ask for help because I despise being turned down. It is the most demoralizing feeling when someone shuts you down especially without any explanation or reason behind it. But you have to believe in your soul that for every “NO” there is a “YES“! It is so true! Look at your life and everything you have accomplished. For every “NO” that was said to you, that “YES” has brought you through.

The third rule is to have faith when the word “NO” is used and believe that a “YES” will pull you through. Now that I have got accustomed to hearing “NO“, my faith in a higher power takes over and I started seeking for an answer. For every answer that I was seeking, I received affirmations of “YES” I can do it and if I ask someone for help and they say “NO” then I will ask someone else until I get a “YES.” It is that simple! Someone will eventually say “YES” and when they do, it is a breath of fresh air because you no longer have to suffer alone!

The fourth rule is taking the “YES” and applying it, utilize, and reclaim. Once someone eventually help me, I take what they gave to me and apply it to my need. When my need was satisfied, I reclaim my independence! I can now go forward in life with my head high and embrace those hurdles and detours that has blocked my path. You too can do the same.

The fifth and final rule is to “NEVER GIVE UP! KEEP ON PUSHING…” No explanation necessary!